Our stay at VR Rotorua was a comedy of errors, an experience so bad it was laughable, and in the end, almost funny. In the first instance, VR Rotorua is a misnomer, a hijacking of a nearby global tourist hotspot, as VR Rotorua is, in fact, in Mourea. While only a 20-minute and 15-kilometre drive to Rotorua, there appear to be no public transport options. This would be a devastation to anyone not driving and staying in VR Rotorua for the purpose of visiting Rotorua. With our 20/20 hindsight, we should have checked that the place name in the hotel name was in fact where the hotel was located, but I have yet to experience such an inaccurate venue title.
Check in was an easy and misleading token as to the ease of the rest of our stay. We entered our room with the initial impression, “the photos are misleading.” The room was much more small and much less nice than the photos indicate, like being catfished by a hotelier with no opportunity to leave after already having prepaid for a booking for dinner.
As we stood in our room, my partner said, “what is that?” looking miffed in the direction behind me. On the wall between the bedroom and the bathroom was a set of brown, wooden venetian blinds lacking in cleanliness, fine condition and function. Upon closer inspection, we realised that there was no glass window between the bathroom and the bedroom. A mere flimsy, imperfect venetian blind separated the intimacy and cleanliness of the bedroom from the horrors and potency of the proverbial John. Had we the familiarity and mediocrity of a long-term coupling, this would be but a strange and superfluous separation. But no. We are lovers in our honeymoon phase whose flatulence has yet to see the light of day in company, let alone movements of a solid state. Naturally, they waited downstairs with bated but bearable breath before we reunited, bemused in our boudoir.
Our view was stunning, looking out onto a green lawn and a large chess set relaxed against a backdrop of lake and mountains. We solved the puzzle of the entrance onto our balcony, term used loosely, by opening the window and then opening open the door. We stepped once, and precisely once, onto the eight-tiled balcony before shuffling to the left and right to enjoy our view. The standing-room-only ledge may have been an engineering error or a two-towel drying breezeway; nobody will ever know.
Our sleep was marvellous on a comfortable, soft bed with the luck of no loud neighbours piercing the paper-thin walls overnight. We are unsure our neighbours were so fortunate. Alas.
The following morning was met with horrified rage as I, a fiend for my morning coffee, realised there was no milk for my AM addiction awakener. My partner, the attentive ally they are, went downstairs to see if reception had any milk. After deciding against the soy milk that was three weeks out of date, the UHT milk pods sufficed. I grimaced at my near decision to bring my own milk. As I was compiling our beverages, I simply looked at my partner in disbelief; there were no spoons. Fortunately, I am prepared for all things, so this was but one more mistake in a serious of unfortunate events plaguing our romantic near-Rotorua romp.
There were dead insects on a windowsill and there was some wet toilet paper stuck in the top edge of the room. The question of anything being clean beyond appearance is a justifiable concern to raise. This hotel does feel like a money maker without meaning or matter to the owners, a vacant golden goose whose wellness is of no concern to the beneficiary of profits.
If we, the spritely and optimistic couple we are, were any less of either of these traits, this review would receive fewer stars. We echo the sentiment of our fellow reviewers in the wonder at any rating above 3 stars. How.
Do we recommend VR Rotorua? If you have never stayed in a hotel before, you will be pleasantly surprised. If you have, certainly consider literally anywhere else. I enjoy the process of prose which is the only reason I am investing time and thought into this review. Please reconsider at once.
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