We made our reservations for an 18-day stay about two weeks before arrival. Our arrival from Ben Gurion Airport was close to midnight (after our flight from San Francisco). We should have suspected something right from the start.
The desk clerk checked us in and created magnetic cards for our door lock. He handed us the cards and then said, “Those probably won’t work, so here’s a real key.”
Our attempt to sleep in the next morning was foiled by the curtain drooping with hooks unattached from the curtain rod. (However, we didn’t miss much since a violent storm brought rain and hail to the streets … no fault of the hotel.)
Breakfast was the usual Israeli buffet overflowing with fish, eggs, biscuits, rolls, juices, coffee, tea and all things dairy. Breakfast is NOT included in the room rate. However, there is a meal plan. Unfortunately, the chefs aren’t there and no meals are available other than breakfast and on Sabbath.
After breakfast we wished to call some family members, but found that our phone didn’t work. An inquiry to the front desk was answered with, “If you want to make an outside call, come down to the front desk and we’ll make it for you. The room phones do not provide for outside calls.”
I should mention, as a point of interest that apparently a good part of the hotel’s income has traditionally derived from the Chassidic community that travels from the surrounding area to attend a Sabbath weekend each week. Orthodox guests, with men in formal regalia, many wearing fur hats, arrive with their often-large families throughout Friday afternoon. In consideration of Orthodox observance, the hotel provided actual real “Shabbat keys” for rooms so that electric power would not be used. In the same spirit, one of the two elevators operated automatically, going from floor to floor continuously. Shabbat services are held prior to dinner, which typically begins after 8:00 pm. The meal is expensive, but extravagant. The buffet overflows with a variety of meats, vegetables and deserts. Red wine appears on every table. Heaps of chicken schnitzel (the Israeli national bird) are devoured and followed by more heaps. Little kids run uncontrolled between tables and the legs of adults. Teenagers flirt, but don’t touch. The Shabbat festivities go on until near midnight, so don’t expect quiet in your room.
Morning finds the crowd at the typical big breakfast after which the men begin their services in the cleared dining room and kids romp in the courtyard.
A late but abundant lunch is served, followed by naps, Torah studies and then evening prayers. After (religiously official) sundown guests check out and leave the crowded lobby for their transportation home and a new week begins.
(Parenthetically, on our first Shabbat, the non-Shabbat elevator became stuck on the top floor of the hotel. Our suite was located on the fourth floor and we were reluctant to climb, so we grudgingly took the floor-to-floor option. The elevator remained stuck for the next three days.)
Now back to the continuing adventure. On our second night, after an early dinner at a nearby eatery we returned to the hotel and thought to watch a news program. The television set did not respond to the power button. About a half hour after our call to the front desk the hotel’s engineer arrived. At first, he attempted to show us how the remote worked. However, the remote didn’t work. Then he tried disconnecting and reconnecting the cable box. A few rounds of this and he left to get a replacement.
The cable box replacement failed to ignite the TV set. The next step was to push buttons on the back of the TV with the expectation that its condition would change. Nothing changed, so the engineer retreated to his dungeon and returned a half hour later with a replacement TV set. The combination of replacements appeared to work and we watched the news in Hebrew, which satisfied Haya.
While relaxing as we watched the hotel engineer we thought of having a cup of coffee. Packets of coffee, tea and sugar were in a bowl on the table. The water in the electric coffee pot quickly boiled and we looked into the closet above the sink for cups. No cups. In fact, no plates or flatware. We called the front desk and they promised to send such aids to our coffee-making.
A while later a knock on the door heralded a young man who handed us a box with a few plates, cups and glasses. In addition, we received a pot. We were curious about the pot since the room had no stovetop and a steel pot was not suitable for the small microwave oven. We found that the pot contained the flatware.
We left the room to do a bit of breakfast shopping in the morning. On our return the front desk called and offered us a change of suite to compensate for the problems of our then current room. After looking at the room they offered, we decided to take it because the “suite” was larger though the view was composed of the water filtering and heating units, the air conditioning units and other machinery pertaining to the next-door shopping center.
We moved all our things including the pot, flatware, dishes and packets of coffee and hoped for the best. Alas, we hoped in vain!
Scrub as we would, the labels did not come off the coffee cups nor were the coffee stains amenable to soaping. Speaking of which, we had to use bath soap bars to clean dishes since no liquid soap was provided. And, thinking about cleaning, the breakfast table was not once washed by the room attendant during our stay.
The hotel failed to notify us that cleaning was provided every other day, but fresh towels were delivered as requested. Our expectations differed from reality.
The weather turned hot and the air conditioner blew hot air. The weather turned cold and the air conditioner blew cold air.
The previous tenant had left mud tracks in the bathroom. The floors were never washed during our stay, though they were vacuumed.
As with the first room, the curtains were an engineering marvel as they did not fall although mostly unhooked. There must be something about levitation in the Holy Land.
The room safe did not open, so we called the front desk as the posted sign instructed. The engineer, who by this time must have been tired of us, came to open the safe. After a number of attempts, he could not open the safe with the master key.
He retreated to wherever engineers go and returned in about a quarter hour with a new safe. He attached the new safe to the closet shelf with screws, leaving the old safe in place behind it. The safe worked. It was presumably “safe,” except for the fact that the whole shelf could be easily lifted out of the closet.
The TV didn’t work! Again, the front desk sent the engineer. Our fault??? The TV remote didn’t work because the TV was not turned on at the set. The engineer left after “teaching” us how to turn the set on. After he departed we discovered that the set could receive only one channel!!
We gave up for the day!
Sitting in the small “kitchen nook” was always a challenge to the ears. Air flowing through the plenum over the sink howled like a wounded banshee chained to the wall both day and night.
Finally (maybe), the bathroom and bedroom doors squealed like angry elephants each time they were moved. My wife said, “Can’t you grease them?”
First, I had to find the bedroom light switch. I found it very logically installed behind the bedroom door so that it couldn’t be detected until the door was closed and the room dark.
I thought about what could substitute for oil. There was margarine in the small refrigerator, but that might start to smell after a few days. Aha! There was body lotion in the bathroom. I poured body lotion onto the hinges! It worked … at least as long as we had the suite.
Current rating: “Location= 5-star, Accommodation= 0-star.”
We now have a new contender for the lowest rung of the ladder. Imagine 18 days and nights of this stay! My salvation was Hollandia beer … better than its Russian equivalent and still 12% by volume.
US